"You will cry for weeks when you drop her off at daycare and go back to work”
"I bet you’re not going to want to go back to work!"
"You’re going to love being home with her all summer!”
These are things that were all said to me, with good intentions, when I was pregnant, had Bailey, went back to work and then got the summer off (I’m a teacher).
No one, and I mean no one, not my mom, aunt, co-workers, in-laws, no one prepared me for what it would be like, emotionally, to have a child.
I am sobbing as I type this, with Bailey trying to crawl around beside me on the floor. I fell in love with Bailey the moment she was born. No doubt about it. But after those few moments, after the excitement died down, it was a whole different story. I do not have the correct words to describe how I have felt towards her these past 6 months. But I will try my best to explain it.
When Bailey was born, I could not wait to get back to work. I wanted to be away from her. Isn’t that terrible? I wanted to be away from my new born. A piece of my heart. My own flesh and blood. She sucked out all the energy I could even muster up. I don’t know if I should use the word “resented” because I feel like that is a bit too harsh when being used to describe how a innocent, helpless child made me feel. But I’ll just go with it. I resented her. And I resented everyone that she did not make as miserable as I. My body was ruined. I was always exhausted. My emotions were worse and more unpredictable than when I was pregnant. I just wanted a break. I could not wait to go back to work and take Bailey to daycare. When I returned to work, multiple people asked me “so did you cry when you dropped her off?” No. I didn’t. I couldn’t wait to get away from her. But I didn’t tell them that. “No, surprisingly not, but the day isn’t over yet!”
I absolutely love picking Bailey up from daycare and seeing her smile when I walk in the room. I love spending all weekend with her. Then the summer came. “Oh, you’re going to love being home with her all summer! Cherish it!” Of course I am cherishing it, and taking lots of pictures… but it is SOOOOO hard. I am exhausted, again. I never get to do anything I need to do. I almost want to say I’m miserable. But labor was miserable. A 6 month old can’t be that bad, right? Well, right now, she is in her play pen, screaming, because if I am not holding her, she isn’t happy. No, she isn’t hungry, wet, tired, colic-y or whatever else. She just wants me. And that is what makes this so damn hard. I am her mother. Her entire world revolves around me and I don’t want to spend all this time with her. I want her back in daycare. I’m tired of tiptoeing around the house during nap time-if she does nap. I’m tired of being exhausted all day every day because feeding time, nap time, and changing time is a fight- always. I feel guilty for wanting to be away from my child especially when all she wants is me. I am not enjoying the summer with her. I want to work out, make lesson plans, veg out on the couch watching OITNB. But I know that when deciding to have a child, I agreed to give everything up and put her first before everything.
I also don’t feel like I have bonded with her like I should have already. I feel like I am still getting to know her and love her. Which I should already. My body grew her for 9.5 months. I gave birth to her. I took care of her while my husband was away for training, multiple times. But I do not feel that connection and she is 6.5 months old.
I feel angry. I am angry that no one told me I could feel this way. No one told me that I might have to work on loving her. That it might take a while to bond with her. That it isn’t like the movies. But it also isn’t like everyone says it is. NO ONE talks about postpartum depression. Now, I have not been diagnosed. I had depression prior to having Bailey for many years. So I don’t know if it is just my regular-ole depression or postpartum depression. I wish it could just go away. It can’t but I am taking steps to help it. Hopefully my relationship with Bailey will get better soon.
I just wanted to write this to counter all the wonderful stories that first time moms often tell. It isn’t always new baby smell and giggles. This is for any mothers out there that are struggling and feel alone. You’re not. I am here too.
*sorry for any grammatical errors, it was really difficult to write this
Playing cards against humanity with my mother. What could go wrong?.
I just had to explain to my mother what a glory hole is.
Okay but she really doesn’t know what queefing is?
Only be with someone who you think you can learn from. They should be smarter than you in certain ways so that you can continue to grow and be interested. Above all, you should undoubtedly be proud that you are with them.something my 10th grade history teacher told me about how he knew he wanted to marry his wife (via jasfuckinq)
Never settle with anyone who tells you to stop being so excited, to cheer up, to calm down, to stop feeling sad, or to stay positive. You are allowed to feel different things. You are allowed to feel everything. Anything. All of it. And you should be with someone who cherishes and respects that, no matter what.(via these-greatexpectations)
My only regret is that
I didn’t tell enough people
to fuck off.
*every highschool student when the teacher doesn’t show up after 2 minutes* “you know there’s a rule where if the teacher’s not here after 15 minutes we can just leave”
why do straight boys think their opinion on girls clothes matters at all….. do they really think their nike socks and cargo shorts grant them authority on fashion….. get out of my face
People will kill you over time, and how they’ll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like ‘be realistic.’Dylan Moran (via onlinecounsellingcollege)